"Nothing lasts but nothing is lost"

“ ‘I know I ain’t got no talking room, but a boy like you shouldn’t be on the bum [slang for on the road with the circus]. I’ve been on the bum and it ain’t no life.’ […] ‘If you got a life to go back to I reckon that’s what you should do.’ [says Camel to Jacob] It’s a moment before I can answer. When I do, my voice cracks ‘I don’t.’ [replies Jacob the protagonist]”-Water for Elephants

I don’t think anyone moves away for a year if they have a lot tying them down. Generally, people move because they need an escape or are searching for something. Recently, I watched a movie about North American nomads that travel west. There is something very romantic and appealing about the notion of constant travel and adventure. I like the idea of floating from place to place. Journey without destination is beautiful to me. Though the more I mull over the idea, the more I realize that fear is driving me.

David pointed out that everyone in the documentary had something in common: they were all running from something. I consider myself a little bit of a travel addict. Up until recently, I always assumed it was just something innate in my bones; a congenital disease of sorts. And perhaps that is partially true. However, I am coming to realize that I fear living in a stifling box where I live for work, though I also fear unemployment. I am deathly afraid of complacency, stagnant years and predictable days. I am afraid of being tied down, wasting potential, and of no longer having dreams laden with youth. I run from normalcy and tremble at the thought of ever being considered normal.

At the same time, a part of me craves relationships that are more than transient. There are moments when I would do anything to be cradled by a comfort that can only come from familiarity that has grown over the years. As my South American adventure nears its end, I am left wondering how can I live a life of both adventure where I push my limits regularly and a life of stability and long-lasting meaning? There has to be an answer…right..right? Are my fears inevitable? Will it be just another self -fulfilled prophecy?

Iguazu Falls, Argentina (Part 1)

At the beginning of December I finished my teaching contract at DUOC. My mom and 82 year old grandma arrived in the middle of giving and grading final exams. Not long after, I began 6 weeks of travel, 2 with my mom and grandma, and my life has been a whirlwind of travels, goodbyes, and trying to figure what to do next ever since. I have tried to keep my various travels separate in my mind like marbles, but I have found that the more time passes, the more they mix together in my mind like flour and water. Sticky. This is an attempt to separate the ingredients in order to preserve them and gain perspective.

On December 10^th 2011 we flew to Iguazu which is on the border of Argentina and Brazil. It was a warm, humid jungle reminiscent of the Peruvian Amazon. On December 11^th, 2011 we woke up early to go on a full-day tour of what was recently named one of the new 7 wonders of the world. We took a train to the top of the waterfalls, and the first thing we came to was “the devil’s throat” (la garganta del Diablo). It’s an enormous, U-shaped waterfall that can only be visited from the Argentinean side.
On the walk we saw a rainbow and coatis; they’re like a south American raccoon. Thirsty for our sweat, butterflies followed us around making the experience even more surreal.


After visiting the devil’s throat, we hiked below over 200 waterfalls. Unreal.

After our hike, we went on a boat below the waterfalls. It was terrifying but also exhilarating and of course unforgettable. We got soaking wet. I was left with puddles in my shoes. Jeans were not a good choice.
During our waterfall adventure my 82 year old grandma hurt her foot. A week later in Santiago, they diagnosed it as a spider bite that could have led to paralysis and immediately gave her an anti-venom shot. When she returned to the USA, we found out that she had in fact fractured her foot and limped all over Buenos Aires on it. (Next entry Buenos Aires)

I Hope You Find What You're Looking For

Sometimes I think that my last entry was just a bunch of hogwash. I feel strong some moments and equally weak during others. Reading charles buwkoski has made writing about finding inner-strength seem like silly drivel. Actually, every time I write in this blog, I feel ridiculous because I'm well aware that my thoughts aren't that interesting (unless you're my parents), but I continue to do so in hopes that it serves some personal purpose.

Ever since I got to Chile, I have been trying to figure out what motivated people to come here. Three girls that are extending their stays have found Chilean boyfriends. Two girls left the program early, and had boys waiting for them back home. It could be a coincidence, but I am inclined to think not. Romance and love are powerful motivators, even if no one likes to admit it. Another person I met realized that he was ready to return to the US to finish his bachelor’s degree. Some were looking for an easy way to postpone the bleak career search back in the US and just wanted a sabbatical year. Some were running from things and just needed an escape. Some wanted a cultural experience that involved Spanish and needed adventure to satiate their wanderlust. Some wanted a combination.

As for my motivations, I am not sure what I was searching for. All I know is that I wasn’t looking for love. And I wasn’t coming here to figure out if I liked teaching; I already knew that I did. To my own surprise, I’ve recently realized that I might actually be ready to go home (future travel adventures not out of the question), and I'm certain that I'll miss a lot of things here . So perhaps, just perhaps I have found something. Not inner strength but something more elusive, though I might be mistaken.

Resilency Amazes Me

"Algún día en cualquier parte, en cualquier lugar indefectiblemente te encontrarás a ti mismo, y ésa, sólo ésa, puede ser la más feliz o la más amarga de tus horas"."Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you'll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.” (Pablo Neruda)

With 5 weeks left in the semester and spring in full bloom, I can’t help but glance back and reflect on the distance I’ve traveled. This Chilean adventure has been one hell of a roller coaster. Everything has felt more intense here. Friendships are made much faster as a foreigner, because time is limited and travelers share an instant camaraderie that is unlike anything else.

In “normal” life in the United States, people occasionally go through transitions when starting a new job, moving, or making new friendships. However, traveling abroad has been a bunch of transitional phases strung together: First there was the high of getting to know Chile and everyone in my program. Then, I had to get used to the language, move into a house, and adapt to teaching in a new environment. Later, I went through culture shock and got home sick. In between, I traveled to Peru and Uruguay. Then this place magically became my home. Now as I prepare for my South American travels to Argentina, San Pedro de Atacama, and Patagonia, I’m realizing that it’s time to let go of it all. It’s a struggle, but I’m learning that it’s okay for things to be temporary. At times I wonder if the energy I put into all these things was a waste, but in reality I know that nothing here has been a waste.

A year ago, my biggest fear came true: my dad (one of my best friends in the world) had a heart attack and underwent a quadruple bypass surgery, along with many other health complications. Instantly my world was shattered and something inside of me permanently shifted. I don’t even remember what I was doing for Halloween last year, and it’s my favorite holiday. This year, I’ll be in Argentina living out what will in the future be my glory days. This sharp contrast has help me realize just how far I’ve traveled and changed during this year of challenge. While I may not be completely over what happened last year, I have come to trust in my inner strength, as I have learned to confront my biggest fears, learned to stretch my comfort zone and learned to live in a state of transition. Nothing has been a waste, not even when I stumbled and made grave mistakes. Everything I have experienced since last year has allowed me to live life in the moment, learn from mistakes and find meaning in the chaos. That may sound trite but it certainly is true.

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet." -Emily Dickinson

If You Don't Like Things, You Leave/For Some Place You've Never Gone Before

For as long as I can remember, my dad has been telling me “there is no magic age where you become an adult. At the age of 61, I still don’t know if I’m an adult.” Nevertheless, I have been waiting in vain for a magic epiphany; the moment of clarity where I not only know precisely where I stand but also where I am going. Even though I was forewarned, some small part of me expected Chile to give me exactly that.

As another season passes and signs of Spring emerge, a lot of my friends are making concrete plans that include fancy jobs, graduate schools, big cities, and more traveling for their futures. Simply put, they know (or are at least pretending to know) what they are doing after this Chilean adventure comes to its grand finale. In all honesty, I don’t want to compare myself to them or feel pressured to map out my life, because I am not them. (If anything, I more often relate to Dustin Hoffman’s character in The Graduate. He has high expectations placed on him, yet his anxious pseudo-bohemian soul rebels after college because he's in search of something more profound, outside the typical life.)

I am determined to take the road EVEN less traveled that is paved by me and me alone. But some part of me can’t help but wonder and at times obsess about the unwritten future, as I am pummeled with anxiety-inducing questions about my next step .

As I think about where the endless numbered days have gone and where I am head so many questions surface: what have I learned; have I been a good teacher; have I made the most of this experience; am I making progress as an individual; will I fall back into old habits; where have I been and where in the world am I going?

I don’t feel lost as I w(o/a)nder, and I don’t feel found. If anything I feel like Chile has brought me to the lost and found. Being here has allowed me to learn, change, grow, and become infinitely more self-aware and feel more alive than I would have in the US within this allotted time…so in that way I feel more found than I did at the beginning. But I am lost (and at a loss of words) because I can’t articulate those lessons, though I know between thought and expression lies a lifetime. So taciturnly, I find myself ruminating about the ‘lost and found’ or the grey, in-between place where I regularly find myself residing. I just have to regularly remind myself that it’s okay not to know, because there is no magic adult age, and there will never be a magic life plan. I will continue to make things up as I go along. I wouldn’t want to live with clairvoyant visions anyways. Some people dream about buying an Audi, some dream about a life in academia, others dreams about a weekend trip to the beach, and I dream about the process of ambitiously traveling…not only to foreign countries but to a place where I’m evolving, giving freely of myself, experiencing, fearlessly loving, pursing happiness, and making the most of my time in whatever crazy situation that I indubitably will find myself in.

With that dream and goal, I do not want to sound overly romantic, idealist, or naive about my freedom/future , because I am well aware that I am still living the finite dreams of a 20-something year old. Miranda July aptly explained life’s phases: ‘It’s kind of about letting go of that feeling of my 20s, that feeling that I will do absolutely everything, I will have sex with everyone, I will go to every country,’ she says. ‘In your 30s, it’s obvious that a finite amount of things will happen.’ [Then] ‘We’ll be 40 in five years.’ [Next] “Forty is basically 50. And then after 50, the rest is just loose change.’ And then the mid-life crisis often comes brought on by mortality terror.At time same time, I refuse to give in to those stereotypes without a wholehearted attempt to follow my dreams.

"we shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time" T.S Eliot

"If I can't dance I don't want to be part of your revolution"

Chilean Student Movement from Brittany Peterson on Vimeo.

two day strike-huffington post

Chile's national strike

Where’d all the time go? See How The Hands Go Waving Goodbye

Today is the 6 months mark since I left the US. My mind is a carousel of pictures fixated on reflecting. Last night while skyping with my parents my mom said, “the time has flown” and my dad interrupted with “No it hasn’t!” I replied, “It feels like a long time.” I’d be lying if I said the time has flown, but it also hasn’t dragged like heavy furniture.

These past 6 months have been a roller coaster. The first month I was just a tourist. At the three month mark, I was going through culture shock. Six months later and this truly is my life. Even though I will always be a strange impostor in this country, I have grown attached to many people and things here. That is not to say I don’t miss people or things. However, my life at “home” is becoming a distant memory. I left my life packed away in unorganized boxes scattered between houses and not only do I not miss my possessions but I also don’t remember what are in those (now indubitably) dusty boxes.

I’ve purposefully tried to let go of my life in the US and the obsession of my future so that I could make this my home. I haven’t always succeeded in my goal but since home is just an abstract idea, I have succeeded in making this my home and given enough time could probably make one anywhere---MINUS all the people I love that are thousands of miles away, an important thing that can’t be overstated .

Nowadays my pen is heavy and writing is forced. Novelty has faded as my new life has formed. I no longer think twice as I go to kiss someone on the cheek. I actually prefer it to the handshake. I find myself dozing off when I ride the metro, just like all the other Chileans. I unconsciously switch from English to Spanish. And while August snow was weird and November swimming will be something I have to get used to, I’ve come to the realization that the people here are not so different from those in the US. Yes, there are still obvious cultural differences but underneath it all their lives, dreams/aspirations, worries, motivations, and life questions are not so dissimilar. Their language, idioms, and methods of communication may be distinct but their general messages are the same.

At the start of this adventure, I was certain that traveling abroad would make me appreciate my life in the US more: my car, my culture, Targets on every corner, and the general easy access to nearly everything. And although it’s definitely more apparent now how easy things can be in the US, it’s clear the important lessons I’m learning are far different than I would have ever guessed. Here, I don’t have easy access to everything but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. In the US I have everything at my fingertips but that doesn’t translate into instant happiness. I’m learning that no matter where I go or where my life leads, I have to adjust my attitude and work with what I’ve got, both inwardly and outwardly while simultaneously accepting the things I can’t control. Being proactive is the only option if I am going to go in the direction that I need to; I can change roads so long as I’m moving in the right direction.

These things might seem trite and overly obvious but I had to experience and discover them on my own journey to actually understand. I’m not afraid of the hazy, unwritten future anymore. I look forward to all that waits, knowing that I will blink and all this will be gone because naturally all streets come to an end.

"We all do what we can so we can do just one more thing

We can all be free

Maybe not with words

Maybe not with a look

But with your mind"