Emotional Landscapes

Three months into this adventure and I have begun to experience culture shock. Even though I had read about it in books, shockingly (insert sarcasm) it’s nothing like I imagined. But before you get worried, you need to know that I revel in these emotions. Though they are difficult to describe with clarity, I’ll attempt in vain.

The days feel both endless and numbered. I simultaneously feel like I’ve been here for 1 day and 1 year. I oscillate between extreme homesickness and mania… I’ll offer up similes to better illustrate the feelings: Sometimes, I feel like I’m unshod and pushing a boulder up a giant hill on a freezing cold, pitch dark night in a smog filled city; other times, I feel like I’m riding a bicycle down a hill in the warm glow of sunset’s colorful array at twighlight, and it’s a Spring day after the rain. I would choose intense emotions to numbness any day of the week. Because, It not only means that I am actually living and not merely standing in the standby lane but it also (hopefully) means I am learning. Every day a myriad of questions about life are surfacing, swirling, and swimming through my head. I absolutely love the constant mental bombardment, even though [Sister] Socrates always answers with more questions.

Since my thoughts are unorganized, I’ll offer a non-sequitur. It’s nearly impossible to worry like I did in the US about the minutiae and the unwritten future here, so I just don’t. Last week I looked at my house (in the US) on Google Maps and had a visceral emotional response. I had forgotten all the feelings of association. I became ecstatic with the realization that I had forgotten some of my Pavlovian responses. I could elaborate on the Pavlovian responses that I am unlearning, but I think I’ll keep at least some thoughts private for now. I am learning to let go and to trust in the universe. I know deep within my core that everything will be okay … With this thought comes an overwhelming feeling of peace, and it washes over me from head to toe. The peace that I am learning to live with is a completely new companion, and I have to say it’s way better than I imagined.

“Belief in the truth commences with the doubting of all those ‘truths’ we once believed.”